There’s a lot of the last half of 1 Peter 3 that nobody really understands. Who were these spirits in heaven? Why did Peter bring Noah into the argument?

But the main point of 1 Peter 3:12-22 is clear: If we bless those who hurt us and oppose us rather than retaliating, God will take care of us and vindicate us.

Even if we suffer because of our refusal to fight back, reciprocate, and return evil for evil.

In fact, “it is better, if it is the will of God, to suffer for doing [the] good [of holding our tongue and trust God to take care of us] than for doing [the] evil [of retaliating and making sure everyone knows why we’re right and our ‘enemies’ are wrong]” (1 Peter 3:17).

One of the deepest regrets of my life is a time when I refused to let God take care of my reputation. Judy and I had been devastated by a sanctified retaliation war. We lost a church we loved and moved from a community we thought we would raise our grandchildren in.

Throughout the fight I told Judy we would “take the high road.” I would simply resign and we would move away, trusting God for the results.

For the most part, that’s exactly what we did. We held our tongue in the community and refused to “explain” our side of the disagreements and issues.

But one night a few months after we had left, we gathered with one of the small groups that had been a part of that church. We were driving through the community on our way home from a pastor’s conference I had led. Our intentions were pure. We simply wanted to see these people we loved.

Then, they began to ask questions about some of the rumors they had heard.

I decided that I had had enough, that I just couldn’t take it any more, that someone had to “set the record straight.”

So, for the first and only time, I spouted all of my defenses and let everyone know why I was right and the other side was wrong. Judy looked at me with questioning eyes, “I thought we were taking the high road here?”

Those were maybe the most sinful ten minutes of my life.

After I finished my tirade, one of the men said, “I’ve got some people to talk to.” And I thought, “You bet you do! You just see how they answer this!”

Right then, at that very moment the Holy Spirit broke into my thoughts and said, “Ed, do you have any idea what you just unleashed here?”

I knew that I had sinned. I knew that this didn’t help anyone. And I regretted it immediately.

Still do.

To my shame and grief, nothing but bad came out of that meeting. Not one of those people still walks with the Savior.

I messed up, but you can learn from my sin. In your marriage, your family, your friendships, and your church, it’s not going to make anything better when you make sure everyone knows why you are right and everyone else is wrong.

You can be a better Christian than I was that night. You can keep your mouth shut and trust God for the results…even if it means that you will suffer for doing that good thing.

RETALIATE: to make an attack or assault in return for a similar attack

Retaliation is all about getting even, being right, feeling exonerated, making sure everyone knows my side, my view, my account of events, my opinion and my reasoning.

It never heals, always escalates, and in spite of both sides’ desire to win the retaliation battle, everyone loses.

Especially when it involves Christians.

When we divide a Christian marriage, a Christian family, a Christian staff, team, or church into winners and losers, it hurts the reputation of the Lord Jesus in this world.

Histories and Timelines

This is how you know you’re in the middle of a sanctified retaliation war. Opposing parties come to meetings with their version of the issues and conflicts.

“And then, on Wednesday, you said this. That’s why I did this.”

“No I didn’t. It didn’t happen that way at all. I can prove that it wasn’t until the next Tuesday that I said that, but that’s not what I said. I said this, and it was only because you did this on the Friday before.”

Both sides marshal a lot of “character” or “eye” witnesses to prove that they’ve been wronged, hurt, or misunderstood.

Tragically, if it’s a retaliation war between husband and wife, they usually try to recruit the children to their side. If it’s Christian leaders, they usually recruit devoted followers to their side.

It’s so important to win that they totally disregard the emotional and spiritual impact all of this will have on those who look up to them.

But Jesus said…

That “they,” all those watching, would know we are Christians by our love, not by our exoneration, by our willingness to give up our rights, not by our determination to be right, by our behaviors that remind people of Him rather than the two-year-olds in our world.

Judy and I have an almost two-year-old in our life right now. Our Celia’s Zachary lives just a few miles away. He’s our first grandchild to permanently reside in California and we just can’t get enough of him.

But when he doesn’t get his way and stomps his feet and his face turns purple and his eyes bug out and he screams at his parents (he never screams at me because I try not to tell my grandchildren anything they don’t want to hear), it’s not a pretty picture. He’s a sweetie until he doesn’t get his way. Then he becomes a retaliator!

Reminds me a lot of church fights I’ve been a part of, or marriages Judy and I have tried to “adjudicate.” Grownup Christians prove that their chronological age has nothing to do with the spiritual maturity when they revert to the behaviors of a two-year-old.

So how would the Lord Jesus classify you when you don’t get your way in your marriage, your family, your workplace, or your church?

Would He say you’re a selfless, other-centered and mature follower who trusts Him enough to give up your rights?

Or would He tell you you’re more like a two-year old retaliator when it comes to getting your own way?

If all of this makes you uncomfortable, it should.

It makes me uncomfortable.

But it also pulls my heart. Because as much as I want my own way in my flesh, my redeemed heart wants to be more like Jesus than the two-year-olds I know.

By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another. (Jesus Christ, John 13:35)

The pastor paced the floor screaming out to God. “What did I do wrong? All I ever wanted to do was serve you!”

I had just had breakfast with the chairman of his elder board who had asked me, “Where did we go south on this? All we ever wanted to do was see people come to Christ.”

Church fights, family tensions, embattled ministries, friends at odds—the most discouraging and damaging dynamic in Christianity.

I’ve been around churches and working with church leaders for decades, and I’m convinced that the number one reason church leaders fight isn’t doctrine or philosophy of ministry. Our problem is that in the furious blur of personal and corporate ministry, we begin to neglect our relationships.

I know, it happened to me fifteen years ago.

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